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Today I broke down.
In my therapist’s office. I warned her that today was an emotional day. I avoided the emotions as best I could yesterday and today I woke up tired, angry, sad, and every emotion I could feel at once.
My body was confused and exhausted.
My body was remembering the trauma.
My body wanted to lay in bed all day and not have to fight another daily battle.
And so today I broke down.
LOOKING INTO THE PAST TO REFRAME MY HEALING AFTER SEXUAL ASSAULT
Since my sexual assault happened 21 years ago yesterday, it was weighing heavily on me and we started there.
There has to be a reason why this happened to me. I can’t live my life thinking it just happened randomly and there was no rhyme or reason. That doesn’t work for me. I learned early on in my healing journey that I needed to give this trauma a reason to have happened.
And so I did.
However, I try to remind myself of all the things that happened because of my sexual assault that may not have happened otherwise. Things like this include marrying Richard, having my children, and living in Canada.
So to get through the hard days, I remind myself of all the positive things that have happened in my life. I remind myself that I am here today for a reason and even though I may still be trying to figure out that reason, I am here.
USING POWER PLAYS AS A WAY TO CHANGE MY THINKING AND HEAL DEEPER
When you are stuck in the moments of darkness, you can’t see all of the work that you are doing. You are in survival mode and nothing feels brave. Everything feels like it is life or death. There is no strength in what you are doing because if you stop, you are going to drown.
Throughout the years, I have missed many moments in time when I was choosing to heal. Moments when, in my survival mode, I was choosing myself and not even realizing it.
I thought that my healing journey started the moment that I started to blog. When I decided to share my story with the world. That was when I thought that I had finally chosen myself. Nicole helped me see that there have been moments in time, WAY BEFORE I started to blog that I began to heal.
We are taking these moments in time and calling them my Power Plays. The moments when I didn’t even know that I was choosing myself. Giving myself time to say yes to healing. This small change in how I can view parts of my story means that I am giving myself more credit to the things that have followed.
As with my story, where I was giving my sexual assault the credit for positive things that happened, Nicole wanted me to reframe that. She wanted to show me that it is my strength, my Power Plays, that have created the positive things in my life. That it was all me and that he didn’t deserve any credit for where my life currently is.
As I sit here tonight and reflect on that, I am trying to make a list of those Power Plays that have passed throughout the years. The times when I didn’t give myself the credit that I deserved. Giving myself credit is very hard to do.
I don’t feel like I deserve any credit as I was just surviving. I don’t see strength in that. I don’t see bravery in that. All I see are moments of darkness.
What counts as a Power Play? Well, here are some of mine that I have thought about over the past hour.
Talking to Richard for the first time in 2005
Marrying Richard in 2006
Moving to Canada in 2007
Writing my first poetry book
Starting my first blog in 2014
Saying yes to my current job
Going to see a psychologist again
Getting out of bed on the really dark days
Choosing life over death
These moments didn’t feel like they were Power Plays. They felt just like living. Choices that needed to be made but these choices catapulted me into the next level, the next phase of my life and healing.
These steps were what I imagined as being small and insignificant BUT meant that I was saying YES to myself. Giving myself a chance to expand and grow on a deeper level.
I am going to continue looking for the Power Plays. The moments in time that feel less like I am saying yes to myself and more like I am saying no to another option.
Strength is in saying yes to these Power Plays. Noticing their importance in my life AND giving myself the credit that I deserve. The credit that I so freely give to those around me, including the man who raped me.
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