21 Years Ago Today

21 years ago today.

21 years ago today my life changed unimaginably. 

21 years ago today I became a sexual assault victim. 

21 years ago today my world fell apart.

21 years ago today.

I am angry that I gave him so many years of my life after the rape.

I am angry that I allowed the pain to take over every aspect of my life. 

I am angry that I didn’t know how to tell anyone what had happened. 

The words are stuck inside and I am not really sure how to let them out. My body is fighting me. Trying to tell me to move on. That all of this is for nothing. It tightens and clenches without any warning. 

My mind is tricking me into thinking that there is no way to move on. That this pain is going to remain firmly planted deep inside. That it will always be there hiding in the shadows, ready to peak out when my life feels like it is under control. 

There is a piece of my soul that will never be the same. On this day every year, the stitching comes undone and I am once again, grabbing onto my chest, wishing for the pain to go away. Wishing for this day to never come. Wishing for my body to remember that it is just a day. 

I have healed deeper than I ever expected to. Moments when I just didn’t want to go any further, get further and further in the past. Living in the darkness has given me a new appreciation for the light. 

21 years ago today. 

I find myself repeating that this was not my fault. That what he did to me was a power play. A moment in time that he has to live with forever. But does he live with it the same way that I do?

Does he think about me on December 18 every year?

Does he think about me any other day of the year?

Does he wonder where I am or who I’ve become?

Does he even remember my name?

I don’t know his but I do remember his presence. The one that feels like a shadow at the side of my bed on the dark days. The one that feels like pieces of time are missing and I won’t get them back. The one that feels heavy and dark when the light disappears and I am fighting. 

When triggers pop up and I have to slow down and figure them out. He will never leave my life. 

I have learned to live with that. 

I have learned to live with the pain, the triumph, the triggers, the healing. 

I have learned that there are days that I need to live moment to moment because my body is in fight or flight.

I have learned that I can overcome the darkness. 

I have learned that once you are a sexual assault victim, you can become more than a victim but will always remain a survivor. You will get stronger as the days and years go by but you never truly get rid of that moment in time. It lives within you. 

21 years ago today I became a Samantha that I didn’t recognize in the mirror. A woman who no longer wanted to live but didn’t know how to die. A woman that was so broken, she tried to hide from the world and even that wasn’t enough. 

Today I am here. 

Today I am living in the moment.

Today I am learning how to discover who I want to be.

Today I am working through some hard emotions but know that they have been harder.

Today I am proud of the woman that I have become because I truly fought like hell to be her. 

Today I am a sexual assault survivor.