The Silent Weight Of Shame

You ever look at your life and think that you need to be further along than you are? 

As I slowly raise my hand and look around hoping no one sees it, the small word that likes to be very, very loud comes to my mind. 

SHAME! 

I knew that shame has been a part of my life for years BUT I never truly realized the impact that it has had on me until recently. 

HOW SHAME HIDES IN PLAIN SIGHT MOCKING WHO WE WANT TO BE

I feel like shame just automatically comes with the territory of being a sexual assault survivor. It is a club that we were forced to join and want to have no part of. A badge that we wear and hope that no one sees but feels like everyone can. 

Shame lives off of silence. It feeds off of the negativity that we whisper to ourselves in the dark of night. It can’t live if there is light and power and so here I am, looking my shame in the face and telling it to F off. Not all loud and confident like I am hoping that it could be but that small, shaky voice that is sitting here, writing this blog post. Wanting to be heard. 

I have allowed shame to dictate every aspect of my life. 

Relationships

Sex

Career

Business

Sports

Body

Motherhood

I got good at pretending. 

I got good at hiding what I was thinking.

I got good at keeping my thoughts to myself.

I got good at making excuses for anything that didn’t go my way.

I got good at feeling like a failure. 

THE WEIGHT OF SHAME AND HOW I AM CHANGING IT

I started seeing a psychologist in December to help me work through a sex trigger that has come up in my life. A trigger that I can’t seem to get a grip on and that keeps pulling me back to my trauma. 

Throughout the years, I have had many triggers but I have always been able to figure out how to overcome them and put plans in place if anything else came up BUT this one was BIG.

All of these thoughts would flood into my head the moment that the trigger hit and I couldn’t overcome them. I would cry without my husband knowing. My attitude would change for days afterwards and he noticed BUT there was nothing that he could do. I was stuck in my trigger for days after the incident.

Sitting in Nicole’s office, we start talking about the BIGGEST reaction that I have had so far with this trigger. It was as if I wasn’t in control of my body, my thoughts, or anything else. I would go down this deep, dark hole of thoughts and feelings. 

Nicole has this beautiful, calming voice so after I give her all the details, she asks me, “Are the thoughts in your head true?” 

I laughed and told her of course not but it doesn’t matter. My body is telling me that they are true. I am being held to these words because of shame. Shame that leads back to not only my sexual assault but back to when someone said something to me in high school. 

As I think about the things that make me feel shame in my life, I question why. I have a great life. I have a great job. I have come so far in my healing and my self-love journey that shame shouldn’t have a hold on me like it does. 

But shame is present in my life and does pop up. I am here to bring light to it so that I can dissolve it. I can begin to feel more pride in these areas of my life. So what are my shame thoughts and how am I going to reframe them to move past shame? 

I should be further along in my career.

This is probably one of the biggest shame thoughts that I have. Thinking that I should have gotten my shit together before now when it comes to my career. I love my job but it’s funny, the other day someone asked me what I did. My response…

I’m just an administrative assistant. 

The thing is, my job is so much more than that but I don’t really know how to explain it and tell everyone what I actually do. There are moments when I catch myself thinking that there has to be more to my career. There has to be more that I am meant to be doing. 

This isn’t meant to discount the job that I do have because I am REALLY GOOD at my job but I am 39 and this just isn’t where I saw myself at this stage in my life. 

How do I turn that around? Well, my affirmation for February is…

I have the power to create my dream career and life.

I am reminding myself that there IS more to my career and that where I am now isn’t something that I should be ashamed of. I have grown so much in the last year and a half in my position. I have been given an incredible opportunity to grow and show my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses. 

I am where I am supposed to be right now. I still have time to step into my career and create the magic that I want. Shame isn’t going to hold me back anymore and I am putting myself out there more than I ever have before. 

I should have a college degree and don’t.

This goes along with the career because there are moments I catch myself thinking that if I had just finished school. If I had just gotten my shit together and finished, I would be in a completely different spot in my life. 

This one thing would have impacted every other part of my life. From my job to my income to the family that I have. It’s crazy how one shame thought can breathe life into another one. 

I look back and know that I was (and am) smart but I judge myself for not being able to finish university. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to go. It was because I was dealing with a trauma and I didn’t know how to move on. I was trapped and so I walked away. 

I wrote a note in my phone the other day and this is what it says…

Breakthrough… With a degree, I feel like I don’t need to prove myself. It is a safety net that I can use. Without a degree, there is more trust-building required and I need to build up and prove that I know what I am doing. There is no safety net. 

I have this vision for my life. I can see exactly what I am supposed to be doing and how I am supposed to be doing it BUT I struggle with the HOW am I going to make that happen without a degree. Another thing that Nicole has been talking through with me. 

How do I turn this around? 

The past two weeks, I have seen the number 11, 111, and 1111 EVERYWHERE! Right now it is 8:11 pm. I have been meditating. I have been thinking of how I can make this vision come to life in my own unique way.

I am stepping into my power and making this vision happen by creating programs that will help women overcome their trauma. I know that I am good at what I do. I know that I have a gift to share. There is no more allowing not having a degree to stop me from creating this dream. 

So here I am, creating workshops and programs and a membership site to bring those women to me. Because I know that if this vision is coming to me, there is a reason for it.

Asking for what I want when it comes to sex.

I don’t have a comparison for sex before becoming a sexual assault survivor versus after becoming a sexual assault survivor. I lost my virginity to the guy who sexually assaulted me. Sex has always had this strange hold over me. 

I have never thought that I could say what I wanted. I didn’t think it could be about pleasure for a very long time. Until I met my husband, it was just something that happened. It wasn’t pleasurable. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t about me as a woman. It was about my body. 

Bound By Desire, my short erotica book, was written because I was reading another book that recommended that EVERY woman write an erotica story. I fell in love with being able to express the sexual energy that I was feeling but most of the time, too ashamed to talk about or share, even with my husband. 

Not because he wouldn’t support me but because I wasn’t worthy of the pleasure. I wasn’t worthy of the attention that I was going to get. Sex wasn’t about me. Talking about sex terrifies me. 

Ok, let me clarify that. 

Being “bossy” in the bedroom terrifies me. It puts me in control and even just writing that, my body tenses up. Thoughts fill my head. Thoughts like…

“I can’t believe you asked me to do that.”

“Why would you want that?”

“That doesn’t work with your body.”

“Where did you get an idea like that?”

None of these things have ever been said to me but it doesn’t matter. The last thing I want to feel (or anyone else) is embarrassment when they are naked in a bed with someone that they love. (AGAIN, I am not saying that my husband would make me feel this way. These are the shame thoughts that take over!!)

How do I turn this around? 

After my last session with Nicole, I have realized that I can’t say the words out loud. My body protests and tenses up and I am not ready for that stage yet BUT I am ready to write things out. To talk about the thoughts that do come up in the moment and the thoughts that replay when I am in my trigger zone. 

Once I can get these words out on paper, they become real BUT they also become less scary. They will be out in the light so they lose their power. And so that is what I am going to do. I am going to put them out into the world (well, a journal) and show them that they no longer have a hold on me. 

Not selling as many books as I thought I would have.

Can I truly call myself an author if I haven’t sold as many books as I thought I would have? 

Clearly, no one wants to read the words that I am writing so why am I continuing to do it? Why do I keep writing and publishing books when there is no point? 

Oh, the vicious circle of this shame thought!!

I have been working on my full-length novel since January 1, 2025, and I have written just under 15,000 words in that time. I have set a goal for myself to finish draft one by February 15, 2025. 

I even reached out to a publisher to see if that was an option for this book. They are going to reach out again once I have the first draft done. 

Even with all of this.

Even with the beautiful reviews that I get from those who read it.

Even with the comments I get when I share my poetry or snippets of books.

I feel shame that I just haven’t made it. That I can’t seem to get the books into the hands of those who need it most. 

How do I turn this around? 

I don’t focus on the other people. I focus on why I write. I focus on the healing that it brings me. Eventually, my words will reach the people that they need to reach. I need to write. I need to put my words on paper. Not for others but for myself. 

It is my release. It is how I heal and grow and so that is what I am going to focus on. 

I carry this weight of shame with me daily. Each day has a varying degree of the shame thoughts and feelings that come up but they are there. Through the thoughts that I repeat and the journey that I am on, I know that I am on the path to move past these thoughts. 

These shame thoughts are meant to give strength to that little voice inside me. To give it the courage to stand up and say, NO MORE. So here I am, putting myself on this document, giving that voice a little bit more strength than she had yesterday.