I’d like to say it’s easy.

To put myself first and take care of me before all else but it is anything but.

Most days, I wake up with a to-do list already a page long and that is before all the thoughts take over. I wake up with great intentions. Things that I know that I should be doing and that I fully intend to complete ONLY to realize that they won’t happen for another day.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow. 

Those are the words that I always repeat to myself. Day in and day out I believe that everything else in my life is more important than taking care of me.

The Decline of My Mental Health 

It’s no secret (maybe it is), that I have been hard-core struggling since December. I just haven’t been able to pick myself up as life keeps throwing me triggers. 

Triggers that I haven’t before experienced and triggers that I have but just haven’t listened to. My heart just isn’t into life lately and I am struggling to remove this blackness that has taken over my soul.

“Why didn’t you answer the phone call?”

“You really need to start parenting Anna.”

“You won’t make it 30 days in this position.”

Words are coming at me from every angle and every aspect of my life and I am just exhausted. No amount of sleep can take this soul-deep exhaustion away from me.

I feel as if I am failing on every level and that means taking care of me is the last thing I want to do. I just don’t deserve it!

Am I Deserving of All That I Imagine?

Being in this dark headspace, it can be hard to think. Hard to maintain a positive attitude. 

I am a positive person and I don’t give up easily. However, lately, the thought that has been coming up more often than not is, am I deserving of all that I want? 

Am I?

Am I deserving of a life filled with happiness?

Am I deserving of a life that feels carefree?

Am I deserving of a healthy body?

Am I deserving of children who will listen to me?

Am I deserving of a family who helps out equally in our home?

Am I deserving?

Because right now, it doesn’t feel like I am.

The Courage To Stand On My Own

I am here, at this crossroads. The point where I have to decide if I am deserving and worthy or if I just give up and live in this constant feeling of sadness. 

I am here, pleading with myself to look in the mirror and have the courage to say yes. To say yes to the woman staring back at me, with a tear-streaked face, that yes I am worth it. That I dare to do the hard things because I deserve them. I deserve all of the above and more. 

For me, this courage means taking care of my body, my mental health, and being honest with what I want. 

I don’t know how much courage I have left within and so I am going to start. I will make a promise to myself to show up for myself, my body, and my well-being. 

How that is going to look, I have no idea but I know that my heart and my soul are craving connection to my body. So here I am, staring into my own eyes and reminding myself that I have the power to stand in my courage. 

I am, after all, Samantha Laycock, a survivor.