I have been in what feels like a free fall for a while now. 

Struggling.

Struggling with how I am feeling.

Struggling with who I am.

Struggling with who I am supposed to become.

I am just not sure who that reflection is that is staring back at me. She has the same red hair and the same blue eyes but something is different.

There is more sadness than there has been in a long time. 

There are more questions and no real answers. 

There is doubt where there used to be confidence. 

How do I begin to recognize my reflection when I really do not even know where to begin?

BUILDING UP PIECES OF MYSELF

I am going to start with pieces. 

Just like building anything, you need to begin with a plan and take it step by step. There is no option to jump ahead. This healing is going to be long and slow, like a great kiss should be. In my life, there has to be a way that I can mesh the physical with the mental and begin to grow in ways that I haven’t yet experienced.

When you doubt yourself, your abilities, and who you should be, there is this chaotic madness that takes over. 

This madness makes you want to stay in bed all day and not move. Hide under the covers until this feeling goes away. 

This madness makes you want to get up and move. Change everything about who you are within the boundaries that you know. 

This madness makes you feel every emotion all at once and expects you to know what the next step is when in reality, you are more confused, lonely, lost, and unsure of what to do.

And so we begin.

We begin with what we know. 

Silence. But not too much silence because then we catch ourselves thinking too much. Thinking about the way that things should be and not the way that things are. 

LIFTING MY FOOT AND TAKING THE FIRST STEP TOWARD NOWHERE

My body has known survival mode for a long time and pieces of me are still stuck there. I am trying to show everyone I can do it all. There is no reason that I need help because I am an independent woman who needs no one. When in reality, I need MAJOR support and am unwilling to ask for it.

Why?

Because I have asked for it. I have screamed for it. I have wanted it for so long only to realize that no one is coming to help me. There is no support and so here I am, wondering day in and day out, how to do it all. 

Saving the fractured pieces of the girl I once knew, is the only way that I can begin to heal and move to the next level. 

Showing her that she is worth the time and the effort. 

Showing her that she isn’t alone.

Showing her that she is this beautiful piece of art that deserves to be seen and heard.

Showing her that despite her current beliefs, she is already complete.

To save myself, I have to dig into this madness. I have to quiet my heart and my mind. I need to listen to the pain and give it the love that it needs. To let it out and give it a voice. To give it permission to be heard and focused on. 

Pain is a piece of my story. A bigger piece than I want to believe but failure to give it the room it needs, there will be no change. I will be stranded in feeling the way that I do. I will be stuck in this limbo that drains me.

I have to learn to be okay with this madness. To embrace that not knowing who I am may be exactly what I need at this moment. Digging through the mess of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. All of these layers, colliding, to reveal a Samantha I have not yet met. 

This is how I save myself.